My Beit Din Essays for conversion.

1. Describe the process that led you to want to become Jewish.

I have been asked this question, by every member of the community I have met this year. Everyone I know has asked me “why?”

The process has been one of education, self discovery, and spiritual growth. Each Jewish person I have met influenced both my reasons for studying and my idea of what it means to be Jewish. I have been influenced by their many different examples and opinions. It is a very warm and diverse community.

I have divided my answer into three sections: The factors before I came to the center, the circumstances that led to me contacting the center, and the reasons I decided to commit.


Factors before I came to the center.

If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up as a kid, I would answer "A Priest." Yet, I lost faith in Jesus and Catholicism when I was 15. I felt that G*d didn’t hear me and believed for two painful years that it was all chaos and subjection. Being passionate about history, literature, and philosophy, I began to study other religions. I believed in G*d and I prayed everyday but no system would work for me.

Starting in the late 90's I lived by my own G*d centered philosophy based on a simple idea called "Being constant in prayer." This method asks one to consider the world from the point of view that at every moment we either need strength from G*d or should be grateful. To keep track of the ledger is to be conscious of our good fortune and that makes dealing with the trials easier.

This of course is not antithetical to Judaism. It was basic and it got me through life.

Circumstances that led to me contacting the center.

I came to the center three months after my divorce and almost two years after my x-wife left me. I was like a man washed up on a shore after a shipwreck. I had been married six years and when it ended I grieved in my soul for the loss. My faith in G*d was not shaken, but my faith in myself was shattered. Over the years, I had thought about contacting the Center many times. When I did, Rabbi Samuel happened to have a conversion class the same night. He invited me to attend.

The reasons I decided to commit.

I didn't attend the first class with a pre-conceived desire to commit. The people in the class influenced me because they all felt called for their own reasons. Another factor in choosing to commit was that I had not known about the Conservative Movement. It appealed to me immediately by being neither too relativistic or inflexible. The more I learned about it, the more I felt a sense of destiny; the more I wanted to support it.

When I first came to the center though, the most important factor was the Sidur. It fascinates me. It is full of the passion and genius of so many generations and only those subjects which matter most to me. The liturgy transformed me. The ritual also changed me. It awakened/healed a deep part of me rooted in my innocent childhood faith. All these things touched my heart and I experienced them as true revelation. When I turned to the people around me, they nurtured this self discovery. They didn't exploit it but gave me love. That love made me wish to commit to becoming a Jew. Learning about and sharing the holidays, enjoying the classes offered, and making new friends has been very positive for me. I hope that I can contribute as a member and work for the future of the schul.

2. Which Jewish beliefs and values do you find the most appealing and persuasive?

Judaism is realistic. Even so, it doesn’t accept the trends in society today which work against the family, promote individual advancement at any cost, or fail to value the past. Judaism values literacy, stresses the importance of our relationships with each other, and requires a commitment to social justice. The Torah to with its focus on ethics, history, and family relationships is persuasive in its ideals. Study and prayer appeal to my philosophical nature and love of writing. They strengthen me to face my responsibilities. Acting on my values has given me true self worth and a meaningful life. I pray I can help and inspire others as they have helped and inspired me. I also have an awesome respect for Moshe Rabbenu, The line of Perez, and the Sages.

3. How is Judaism more appropriate for you than your former religion or belief system?

I haven't been Christian for 18 years. Until I came to the center, I believed in G*d but not in any organized religion. I was alone and I was also unable to really take a stand. I didn't want to impose my beliefs on others and so most of the time I couldn’t even share my feelings. I hid my faith because I didn’t want it to be ridiculed. I didn’t want to be controlled by any ideology.

When I decided I wanted to give my whole life to G*d, I knew that to do so alone would risk obsession and self delusion. Although the religion of my parents and many other philosophies have merit, each seems to me deeply flawed. Judaism is not flawed but unlike most other religions it seemed difficult to approach. It was/is sometimes hard to comprehend in all its forms and aspects.

Judaism is a beautiful tradition that is self critical and highly ethical. It holds G*d in awe above our understanding- not subject to it. These ideas appeal to me.

Yet, faith isn’t like shopping for a reasonable car. In a lot of ways, I can only truly explain my path as revelatory. My concern is how to live for G*d. Judaism’s answer seems to be that each of us learns who we are and how to live in the way we react to, relate to, and fulfill the commandments. Ultimately, we have the opportunity to do good deeds which are among the instruments for G*d to act in the world.

We have an obligation to sanctify and acknowledge his loving kindness, mercy, and justice. This is what Judaism teaches us to act on. It is the only appropriate belief system for me. My former philosophy did acknowledge this goal but had nothing to measure myself against, was not shared, and didn’t inspire me to act.

4. Describe how your personal and home life has changed because of Jewish Tradition and how it may yet change in the future.

My first reaction to this question would be to talk about my crazy schedule! Over the year I have increased my attendance to 6 days a week. I do not attend Thursday or mincha/havdalah on Saturday. I am also observing kashrut to a large extent (I follow all the rules but buy regular allowed types of meats at the store.) On Shabbat, I stay home and I don’t spend money. Until Havdalah, I seek not to write, accept phone calls/text/email, or use the internet .

Shabbat is precious to me. It has truly become ‘a taste of the world to come.’ I like to explain that formerly I was living for the weekend but never felt better from the time off. Now my week revolves around Shabbat and services. I not only reflect and recharge from the hectic world but I step into a world of the spirit. To me kashrut and Shabbat observance are not giving up anything. They bring holiness into my life.

These actions have changed my consciousness and my lifestyle. I have had to turn down many invitations to concerts and parties. I have turned down roles in the theater that nearly broke my heart to pass on. Observance and commitment have caused me to be subjected to more questioning by people about my faith. It just comes up all the time. (When I need time off for the holidays, at lunch with coworkers, and when I have to pass on invitations for Friday and Saturday.)

This has freed me from a conditioned fear of discussing my beliefs. Though I try not to be on display, I tend to have many more ‘serious’ exchanges with people. In this, I know that I must be upright and humble in how I represent the community. Moreover, putting the commandments first means that I cannot let my faith just be part of who I am, I let it define me.

After meeting my fiancé Lori (Thank G*d for that miracle!), I have fallen into a pattern of having dinner around 3:30 on Friday, then attending service. We do not light candles although I wish to when it is my home. The children do not have a tradition of doing it, but since I always stay home I am going to insist that at a minimum they refrain from unpleasant subjects. I have bought a Shabbat for starters book that details the home ritual which is useful.

I study the parsha and write an essay about it each week. I often get to discuss it with Lori, friends, or when they are in a serious mood the children. This and studying the liturgy are my primary recreational activities.

5. Describe your sense of identification with the Jewish people in relation to Israel, World Jewry, the local Jewish community, and the TriCity Jewish Center.

The establishment of the State of Israel clearly represents the fulfillment of prophecy. It must be supported and defended. Israel can only be defeated, as it was in the past, by its own iniquity. I cannot support the State of Israel unthinkingly, as I must oppose them when they act irreligiously or inhumanly.
I do however support them when they oppose UN resolutions because they are threatened by irrational hatreds and surrounded by dangerous, implacable enemies. A media double standard is applied so often I can't believe it. It seems like Israel gets bad PR no matter what.

As for world Jewry, I have no reservations. There are good and bad people in every community, but I have found in reading history that where Jews thrive cities thrive, nations thrive. Where Jews are not welcome, civilization wanes. I am also beginning to enjoy the fact that there are Jewish communities that are welcoming when you travel. This will make it easier for me to continue my goal of davening daily and not be tied down.

In the local community, I have attended services and events at the Temple and lectures on I/A conflict, Terrorism in Israel, Immigration to Israel, Holocaust rescuers in Poland, as well as Israeli Poetry reading from Jewish Federation of the Quad Cities. I have met lots of wonderful people.

I wish to be around intelligent, spiritually centered, civically minded, and committed people. This is why I love to be at synagogue. I feel that I am part of a family at the center. The religious and social events and programs nurture me and challenge me to be a better person.

I would add that I do not plan to be a member of the Temple , unless I was strongly advised to do so. I worry this may cause problems for me. It isn’t the temple itself but the Reform movement. I value the Reform movement’s courage and its advancement of social and gender issues in Judaism but I am a hardy ritualist, believe in weekly torah readings, the Kohanim, the restoration of temple and sacrifices.

I really want to come to terms with this because I pray for all Jews to unite in faith. I know however that the most important thing is people. I don’t want to be zealous or harden my heart when I know so little. I want to advocate but also to embrace. I pray never to increase divisions or be foolish in pride.

6. Describe how you intend to fulfill the mitzvah of Tzedukah.

Each Mitzvot I can fulfill has helped me to like who I am and feel closer to G*d. The greatest of all lessons is that our actions matter the most. In the last year, I have given money and time to multiple charities each month. I have also taken it upon myself to help some needy friends each week. This has given me a tremendous feeling of self worth that has helped me through stress and disappointment. Tzedukah is more than just giving it is doing. Last year, I volunteered at the center, Cafe on Vine, the Library, and The Classical Theater. I have also tried very hard to help the elderly, the sick, and people without transportation.

My main focus is to invest in the center and its programs so it exists to teach and for others who were lost like me. My primary desire would be someday to work for charity fulltime. I want especially to reach out to atheists and to encourage others to attend and study. This all makes me feel near to G*d and in some small way that I am helping him answer prayers. I want to encourage others to sanctify G*d’s name.

7. What do you find meaningful about Jewish Prayer and what does your regular Practice look like?

I attend daily services except Thursday. I attend preliminaries and services on Shabbat. It is my goal not to miss a day. I also pray a lot during the day. I pray before going into work. I try to pray Birkat Hamazon after lunch every day and I pray before bed.

In an essay for Rabbi from July 2010 I identified the following as reasons for prayer in my life:

• Honoring G*d for sustaining me and giving my fears to him
• Expressing my commitment to the ideals of the commandments.
• Exploring the attributes of G*d in the verses of each prayer that yield different associations.
• Giving abundant thanks and expressing my hope for health, prosperity, and justice.
• Expressing my repentance for imperfections and asking for forgiveness.
• Humbling myself before the overwhelming power of the Name and the wisdom of the Torah
• Addressing G*d's sanctity to life through blessings.
• Praising the acts of G*d such as the creation.

Over the years I have had a variety of experiences with prayer. As a child I remember being praised for learning and saying my prayers. For the last seventeen years I prayed several times a day. However, nothing prepared me for the utter beauty of our synagogue services. They humble me to the core; they are unconquerable and worthy of a life time of study. (May G*d grant this to me and may it serve his ends.)

My prayers do not have a single goal. For me, prayer happens on many levels which even contradict one another. I experience both of the imminent and the transcendent in both communal and introspective states. Sometimes, the singing makes me feel one with everyone else. Sometimes, I feel far away inside myself. Sometimes, I feel humble then I feel exalted. I feel naked and vulnerable then I feel protected by everyone else’s faith. Like a singer I try to harmonize. Most of all, I feel our prayers have great balance in their contents and progression. I don’t lose control or fall into self conscious insecurities. When I pray I speak to G*d from my heart.

8. What are your plans for continuing your Jewish Studies?

When I complete my Torah commentary, I intend to revise it and add to it each week for the rest of my life. From now on, I intend to study the Nevim, the Psalms, the writings, the Rabbas, the Mishna, the Talmud, the Haggadah, the Kabbala, Midrash/Modern Drash, and the many biographies of the sages . I have an excellent commentary on the Sim Shalom I want to study in depth. I am committed to learning biblical Hebrew with a goal of reading the primary sources. Before I die, I want to be competent to lead services as a layperson if it is needed.

9. What will observance and education look like for your family (if applicable)?

Currently, I study every week and try to attend every day. I only go to Synagogue and home on Shabbat. Lori attends with me at least once a week (sometimes up to 4 times a week). Lori and I discuss my Torah studies each week. Sarah, Lori’s daughter, is going to Sunday school. Sometimes, she helps me with my Hebrew. She attends services infrequently. Aaron, Lori’s son, has not attended schul since his sister’s bat mitzvah. As a family, I hope that I can be a good example. Lori and I will do everything in our power to provide them opportunities for education and hope that they embrace their heritage. I consider it the most important duty in my life to ensure they are safe and on the right path. As they mature we will continue to insist that they honor the Torah and G*d.

10. List the Jewish Books you have Read and any other periodicals you have consulted.

Some Books/Periodicals:
1. To Pray As A Jew/To be a Jew by R. HL Donin
2. The Story of Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki by Yaakov Dovid Shulman
3. Kitab al Hazari by Judah Hallevi (from sacred texts.com)
4. Jewish Literacy by R. Joseph Telushkin
5. Essential Judaism and Beyond by George Robinson (first 8 chapters only)
6. Kaddish by Leon Wieseltier (Studies and Journals of a year of mourning.)
7. The Essential Talmud, Adin Steinsaltz
8. The Tales of Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav by Adin Steinsaltz
9. The Thirteen Petalled Rose, Adin Steinsaltz (Still reading!!!)
10. Simple Words Adin Steinsaltz
11. I and Thou Martin Buber
12. Hillel By by R. Joseph Telushkin (Still reading!!!)
13. Little Miracles for the Jewish Soul. Yitta Halberstam, Judith Leventhal
14. Commentary of Sim Shalom, Rueben Hammer (Weekdays/Festivals)
15. National Geographic. David and Solomon Dec 2010.
16. XO the journal of the Conservative/Masorti Movement.
17. Preparing your Heart for the High Holidays by Kerry M. Olitzky, Rachel T. Sabath, David J. Wolpe
18. The Rabbis' Bible: Early Prophets by Solomon Simon, Abraham Rothberg, Morrison Bial.
19. Trial and Triumph a Novel About Maimonides: Lester M.; Hubler, Richard G.
20. The Soldier and the Sage - A Novel About Akiba. by Richard G. Hubler
21. I have my own copies of the Sim Shalom, Hertz Chumash, and the Sapirstein Edition of Rashi Torah Commentary.

Some Websites:
1. http://www.myjewishlearning.org (I read all the drash each week here and subscribe to several mailings. Including Jewneverse which features a daily spotlight on jewish art, film, or subjects)
2. http://www.conservativejudaism.org
3. http://www.jtsa.edu/Conservative_Judaism/JTS_Torah_Commentary.xml
4. http://www.myjewishlearning.com/texts/Bible/Weekly_Torah_Portion.shtml
5. http://torah.org/learning/torahportion.php3 ( I subscribe and get dvor’ sent to me)
6. http://www.chabad.org
7. http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/indexfl.html
8. http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/ (I subscribe and get great political updates from Mitchel Bard that have really influenced and informed me.)
9. http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/myths2/cover.html
10. http://rabbimichaelsamuel.com (He really posts a lot of great things.)
11. http://failedmessiah.typepad.com (Very Cool)
12. http://www.frumforum.com (News with a slant)
13. http://www.jewsforjudaism.org (This site has a lot of excellent citations which refute Christian attempts to proselytize Jews.)
14. http://www.jewfaq.org

Some Movies and Documentaries. (Having Netflix I watched a variety of educational, Jewish themed, or Israeli made films) I was able to get my history from the site. It might be of interest to others.
1. Talmud , A documentary by Pierre-Henry Salfati
2. The Bible Collection: Joseph
3. A Woman Called Golda (Awesome!!!)
4. PBS Kingdom of David: Saga of the Israelites
5. PBS The Jews, a Story of Survival
6. PBS Jerusalem, the Center of the World
7. Jerusalem / To Live a Dream 2 Documentaries
8. The Bible Collection: Samson and Delilah
9. Tel Aviv Stories
10. Israel in Songs
11. Kedma
12. Kadosh (Powerful)
13. Kippur
14. The Heritage
15. From Toledo to Jerusalem
16. Prophets and Kings of Israel
17. Israel in a Time of Terror
18. Ushpizin (Loved it)
19. Israel and the Arabs
20. Masada (Wow)
21. Exodus
22. The Ten Commandments

John C. Smithson
Thank you very much for your time.
March 16, 2011